Nothing To Kill Or Die For
by i-once-wrote-a-dream
Summary: It's Isak. His Isak. Bowed over, hands holding his face. Even doesn't react immediately, but the others are pushing Isak back; yelling, screaming, hitting. Alternatively, Even and his thoughts during and after 4x05.
1. You May Say I'm A Dreamer

"But you're a real faggot now, right?"

Those words he's been expecting, fearing. Something. He's not sure. All he knows is the rush of air beside him and the sound of a sickening crunch a moment later.

It's Isak. His Isak. Bowed over, hands holding his face. Even doesn't react immediately, but the others are pushing Isak back; yelling, screaming, hitting.

And it's too much. His body is working mechanically, pulling Isak away from the group, checking his injuries. But he's a million miles away. Years. He's backing away from Mikael and that disgusted look on his face that still finds their way into his nightmares. _You fucking fag. Get away from me._

Even wants to get away, _needs_ to. His skin is crawling and his boyfriend is fucking bleeding. It doesn't stop him from looking back at his past though, as the boys help him usher Isak away.

They don't look back.

It's more than a just song. It means everything. Every word of it, a testament that he's here and he's alive. He's loved. No one else really has to know what this song means for him. One day, Isak will. Just, for now, he's going to serenade that beautiful boy and it's going to end up on every snapchat story and there will be instagram posts about 'that one really fucking cute couple.' And the world won't end just because Even's feeling things most kids wouldn't ever know.

The opening chords calm him some, but he's still nervous. He's never sung a proper song for Isak before. Never one that holds so much meaning and feeling and love.

Even looks at Isak, smiling encouragement and oh so pretty. He's so goddamn lucky.

The moment that small grin splits open as he's singing does things to his heart he didn't think was possible. He falls in love with Isak everyday, and he's pretty sure he'll never stop. His voice is a little weak, and it shakes a little, but he's getting into it. Isak keeps giving him _that look_ and he's pretty sure he'll be getting head in the bathroom after this.

Except his voice falters when he sees them.

And he can't keep singing. Physically can't. His mouth goes dry and the urge to run becomes overwhelming.

They look different. Less pale under the karaoke bar's lights than they do on youtube. Elias' arms look bigger. Adam's a little taller. They look good.

And Mikeal-

Isak joins him, and he lets that sweet, rough voice take over, before stroking his back gratefully. They don't matter. Isak does. So he turns to his boy and sings to him like he intended in the first place. Arm in arm. It's beautiful. For a moment they're the only two people in the room, voices harmonizing almost off-key. He can count the freckles on Isak's face and trace the deep bow in his lips when they're this close. His eyes hold so much love it's a little hard to look and not feel blinded.

When everyone else joins in, his heart soars. Isak's quiet giggles ring in his ears and they rock together, a warm glow settling over the room.

The applause and cheers fade behind them because Isak's pulling him outside, not caring who they knock over, and he's grateful to get out of there. Away from the boys' judgmental eyes. Isak pushes him into the wall outside and nuzzles into his face, hands finding their way to the back of his neck. He's whispering something but Even can't tell what. Isak's smile tastes like mint and love and a hint of beer. They're barely grazing lips outside when his name pulls them apart.

"Even? What the fuck?"

"Mikael." He's surprised at how even his voice sounds. He's a fucking mess, looking at that soft face that used to mean so much to him. The angry lines on his face only remind him of their last interaction and he's barely aware of Isak's hand still on his wrist. "How are you?"

Isak squeezes Even's wrist lightly and it's all he needs to feel grounded again.

The tan boy huffs, his eyes narrowing as his eyes land on Isak and their joined hands. " _How am I?_ How about you tell me. Fucking disappear after all that shit you pulled?"

"I was-you know I'm bipo-it was, uh. Sorry." He can't look at him. Can't look at the rejection and disgust in his eyes a second time. Isak's arm curls around his waist and he can't help but curl into his side a little.

"Even, babe, you don't have to apologize for shit." He knows that tone. It's biting and he doesn't have to look to know his face is screwed up in anger.

"Shut the fuck up, you don't know what you're talking about, kid."

Maybe if the blood pumping in his ears wasn't so loud he'd have heard Isak saying his name. Or noticed Elias and the other boys rounding up behind Mikael.

"Mikael, easy." Elias' voice holds authority and for a moment Even feels like he's back in his second year. "Even, just leave. We're not looking for a fight."

"Then don't fucking talk to him like that."

Mikael's pushing Isak back in an instant, teeth bared. "What, are you his keeper now? Fucking psycho." Mikael used to sound sweeter. Nicer.

Even's barely blinking back tears, when Isak pushes him roughly behind himself, shielding him from them, shoving Mikael, hard. The others, Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi have come out of nowhere, flanking his boyfriend.

"Control your bitch, Even. Do this like a real man." Even's never heard Elias sound so cruel.

And then those eight little words cut him open and he's standing alone with bleeding wounds that no one can see.

Even doesn't know how to look at Isak so he stares at his hands. The boys had gone home after they made sure the two of them made it back alright and now it's just the two of them sitting in their room.

"Sorry."

"Don't be." Isak's pushing himself closer and Even's arms open to pull him into his chest. "You're so good, Even. So good to me. For me. Love you so much." It's so hard for Isak to speak and Even's heart breaks because _he_ did this. "It's not your fault, you know. I'm a shithead and those guys have no idea what they're talking about. I can't believe Sana's related to him." He's getting worked up again.

"Shh, baby. Chill." Isak looks at him so earnestly, he can't help but press a kiss into his now clean hair. "I love you so much." He thinks back to before all of this. And how it felt to sing with Isak and no matter what they say, this can't be wrong. It's not an abomination. They're good. Their love is so _so_ good. "You're such a badass. Fighting for my honor? Shit, baby. That was hot."

Isak laughs once before squinting in pain. "You like that, huh?"

"So much. You're my favorite."

They don't talk about it just yet. Maybe tomorrow, when Isak gives him that look again. The one that expects answers. He'll give them, too. Especially after today. Just, right now, they need this. Need to hold each other and soak in love.

"You're my favorite too."


	2. But I'm Not The Only One

It's not a big deal.

It really isn't.

She knows she wouldn't be able to give herself to Yousef the way he'd inevitably want. So really, it's a blessing in disguise. Noora can give him all of that and he'd be good for her.

She feels bad about Isak, can still see his blood on her hands, but he'll be ok. Even is with him. His boys are with him. She'll do a couple of his assignments until he heals. He'll forgive her.

And the bus thing was stupid anyway. She should be glad she found out the kind of snakes those girls are before she got too deep. More blessings. Vilde's betrayal stings a little, but it's not entirely unexpected. Vilde is careless. She doesn't really consider Sana and that's fine. It's all fine. Sana can handle it.

Except.

She can't.

Unless handling it is this. Crying into her hands, sitting on a bench, God knows where. It's pathetic. And she feels it in her core. She's not enough. Not normal enough. Not good enough for her friends or the boy she likes.

Somehow she finds her way home. Past her mother with fake reassurances, and a faux steady voice.

 _No mom, I was just too tired to stay later. Yes, I've already eaten._

Sana finds no solace in her prayers tonight. The image of Noora and Yousef kissing burns behind her eyelids, replaying over and over until it's branded into her brain. The feeling of Isak's warm blood lingers on her hands and it's all her fault. She could have been better. Could have done more.

If there's one thing she loves, _needs,_ it's control. She needs to be in charge and see every detail. So how, when things were finally falling into place, could everything have slipped so far out of her grip?

She's pulled from her thoughts when her Elias' door slams shut, and suddenly, she's filled with anger. She may not be able to control Yousef or Noora or anyone else, but she can take control of this. Get answers. Have him apologize. Something, anything to cut away the guilt and the heartache and the shame.

"Elias, what is wrong with you?" Her voice is quiet, but tone deadly. She'd barged in expecting a fight. Ready for one.

Instead she's met with shuddering shoulders and a hung head.

His eyes are red rimmed when he looks up at her."I didn't-you have to believe me-Sana, I never wanted it to happen like that." She's never seen her brother so shaken. He looks moments away from collapsing and she feels like she's looking at a child. So she puts her heartbreak and anger aside and holds her older brother.

"I never meant any of it. But Mikael was so close to breaking and I couldn't just-he's one of my best friends. You have to know, it wasn't about Even. Or that he's gay. And, fuck, I swear I was trying to keep them apart."

"It doesn't change that it happened."

They don't say anything else. Just sit next to each other on his bed. Sana thinks about telling her brother what happened. With the bus girls and yousef. Thinks that maybe it'll lighten the load. Maybe he'll have some kind of solution, a revelation about the whole thing that she's just not seeing. But at most she'll get judgement. A sniffled 'I told you so.' She doesn't have it in her to make this about herself, even its what she desperately needs.

"You know, Mikael kissed Even before all that shit happened. He told everyone else that it was the other way around, but he came to me after, crying. And, _fuck Sana,_ he's like my little brother. I just wanted to protect him. And then he saw Even with that kid. I don't think he's completely over it. Or him. I don't know."

She's not sure what or how to process any of this. Tonight has been too much. Too many feelings she's not equipped to handle. No one taught her how to deal with all of this. It's easy to villainize Elias' friends. But they're all just human. With faults and feelings. She knows that. And she realizes that she should extend that same understanding to everyone and everything that went wrong tonight.

Sana's aware of how hard she is to work with. She just feels like she has to try so hard just to fit in the same way everyone else does. And if trying hard comes across as defensive or mean, then she can't help it. And she doesn't share much with her friends. If Noora knew how she felt about Yousef, then maybe it wouldn't have turned out like it had. She's got just as many faults as Mikael or Sara.

"Do you think Even knows i didn't mean it?" Sana startles; she'd forgotten he was sitting beside her.

"I think Even doesn't know you anymore. And that he probably believes it. I can't sugar coat it, he's my friend. I think you've hurt him. But I know that he's got a good support system. And that he's got an enormous heart. If anyone can forgive you, it's Even."

"It feels like I'd be betraying Mikael."

"Mikael needs to get his head out of his ass and apologize."

"He doesn't hate him. He's just hurt and confused. You know how his family is."

"That's up to him, then. If he goes on like he is, then that's on him. But, I think you would all benefit from making it right with Even. He's a really good guy, you know. His boyfriend too." She smiles, a special soft one reserved for the two boys she's come to love so fiercely. But then she thinks of the broken look on Even's face and the way Isak winced away from everyone but him. _They're going to be fine._

"When did you get to be so smart?" Elias' signature smirk is back, albeit a little dim. For a moment she feels like she's seven and her brother is bouncing a basketball between them, laughing at each other when they miss.

"I've always been smart, you're just too stupid to see it."

"Shut up. So, speaking of good guys…" He trails off, eyebrows quirking up.

"Yousef. Right. I think he's going to be happy with Noora. They seem good together."

"Noora? Your hot blonde friend? Nei, I'm sure he's into you." The look on his face alone makes her want to sob into his chest. She bites her lip before continuing.

"They were making out. After you left. So, yeah."

"Do you want me to fuck him up? I don't care if he's my friend, no one's allowed to hurt my baby sister." If only he knew.

"No. No more fighting for you." She does her best to keep her voice light, teasing. But it comes out strangled and she can't hold back her tears anymore. Elias holds her silently, stroking her back the way her mom used to when she was younger.

When she's cried out all her tears, she lets her lips quirk up. Everything may have gone to shit, but Sana knows she's strong. Her makeup is running and her heart is heavy, but now, as she's looking up at her brother, she knows she can make it through this. Perhaps, if she were the type of person to use metaphors and analogies, she'd imagine herself to be an indestructible force. If an apocalypse happened, it would be her and the cockroaches.

She's a little dented and rusty right now, but like hell will she let this break her.


End file.
